A Simple Advent Prayer

In these days we extol the mercy that extends from generation to generation,
We pray for those who have yet to be filled with good things.

In these days we remember the unborn and the born in the time of Herod,
We pray for the children of Israel who were lost, and for the comfort of Rachel.

In these days we magnify with the company of heavenly hosts,
We pray for those who suffer and those who cause suffering.

In these days we are thankful for the origin of salvation,
We pray for the greatest among the rulers and the least among the shepherds.

In these days we pray for victory over the grave,
We pray for the ransomed souls of God.

When God Doesn't Speak

I might be weird in thinking and experiencing this, but I'm actually somewhat at peace with his silence. Consider this:

I rarely spend any time free from outer stimuli. Meaning I never unplug my headphones (except when my wife asks me, which is rare) or disengage from the Internet when I have a moment of free time. I'm usually up to my knees in the world of the New Testament or doing married stuff (shame on you if your mind went there) to really consider much else.

It hit me a few weeks ago int he midst of the height of wedding tension, that I hadn't heard from God in weeks or even months. The last time I did, it felt like I caught the first sniff of the autumn smoke before it vanished. Vanished rather quickly, but lingered enough to let me know what I've missed.

I hadn't considered this in great detail, aside from several posts in the past, and I want to maybe consider some new ideas here.

My main thought has to do with necessity. I don't need to speak with my wife to tell her that I love her; as in any good relationship, conversation is most helpful but not always needed.

Maybe this is the same thing.

Like I mentioned above, the faint scent of loss reminded me of what I had lost, what I had experienced and what I enjoyed about such things. I remember good times in venting and ranting about my own little problems as well as bad times involving. . . well. . .venting and rants. I remember praising God and I remember swearing upon his name.

Now, it is an odd feeling to be okay with silence, to be okay when he doesn't speak to me. Lest it get twisted, I'm not on the slippery slope to atheism; I am, however, pondering God's relationship to me, and my relationship to him.

Is it based on conversation, or do we know enough of each other that words are no longer needed? You can know your wife's need so well as to not need to say anything, yet those words can make or break an anniversary dinner date.

Maybe this is similar.

God doesn't need to speak to be heard. That's a haunting thought for me in hindsight. I've always been under the impression that unless I'm hearing his voice, I'm not doing the right thing. Until now, its comforting to consider that I can sense love without him needing to spell it out.

Still. It would be nice to hear from him.

But I can feel him in my wife's embrace, in the handshake from my groomsmen, and in the sacrifice of my family for myself and Allison.

Are words needed in prayer? Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe. Just maybe.

How about for you? And welcome back to my blog. :)

--Nick

Praying With Fear and Trembling

The biggest fear I have is that I'm wasting my time. I am absolutely terrified that the five years I spent as an agnostic in my teens was a burst of truth and I simply retreated out of fear to a God I wasn't sure I loved or even knew on any experiential level.

thy will be done
here on this highway
in every house and field I pray
all in meekness yield
aided by want
among stranger people
to disgrace so soon I've come

What bothers me the most is that only recently have I begun to really pray. Not in the sense of asking for material of even spiritual gifts, such as more money or better discernment. Instead, I've begun to try a cosmic type of praying.

drift like sleep
into the hotel montana
lay low for thy names sake
el matador louisiana

What I mean is this: I've been reading through Colossians and Ephesians and St. Paul's view of the "heavenlies" and highly exalted "cosmic language." I do wonder if we miss parts of prayer where we focus on individuals and not systems, or we downplay individuals and beg of God to remove such sins.

full of bulls blood and what not
coarse jest to a tight knot
you are not acquainted with your own heart
frozen prayer upon my lips
inside the blood runs hot
he was reviled
yet he reviled not

Paul obviously prays for unity in the body of Christ, but his exalted language of the supremacy and preeminence of Jesus in Colossians 1 and Philippians 2 always struck me as odd. Why the hell would Paul just stop and write such things? Then I think it clicked for me.

like a voice in an empty house
breath your breath
and speak to me
speak to me

Paul was scared. He is alone in a crazy world where heresies threaten the church, women are going crazy in Ephesus and gnostics are proclaiming him as their "compatriot." So, I do wonder if there is much more to prayer than meets our experience, and Paul's view of Christ as being the "firstborn amongst the dead" really hit me hard.

it's a dry leaf that shivers on the branch
what matter if the wind cast it down
with a ruthless hand
cause we remember always
that it took place forever
thy kingdom come in
whosoever

The fear of the unknown and the cosmic world at play always struck me hard. It usually happens when I'm quiet and alone and sitting in the dark, as the mind is quick to bring up such concepts when you are trying to forget about them. Then I prayed for the whole world. 

like a voice in an empty house
breath your breath
and speak to me
speak through me

I prayed for a long time and the universe and all the hostility and terror seemed quite small in comparison. Then time itself seemed to lull and sleep became a time of rest.

--Nick

Why do you pray?

There are many things I don't enjoy praying about. When I do pray, it is often in anger.

God, why?

I never expect an answer. I always feel it is dishonest to expect my heart to begin talking. However, an existential experience can be answered in a million different ways.

For me, solidarity with another human is often what does it. Talking about fears and anger and doubts with my girlfriend, or my friends Chance, Aaron, Graham and David.

God may speak in silences, as said St John of the Cross. Sure. But intimate fear responds to the ones He often sends. The wind, the living creation, a random example of my car jumping on my lap and purring.

Maybe God just gives us the courage to speak our fears out loud. An maybe someone being there to help is a humble example of the way He works.

Just maybe.

--Nick