Thursday, October 18, 2012

Odd Theology: The Politics of Pokemon

Because I feel like it, I'm going to annoy some people about their favorite childhood game. A modest proposal, if you will.

UNIVERSAL HEALTHCARE

Think about it. Free care for your Pokemon who have been shuffled off to fight your own battles. And I don't think Ash has ever needed free healthcare, because blacking out and waking up in a completely different location is normal.

ANIMAL CRUELTY

I think PETA might be onto something here. Despite some variations, most Pokemon seem to be relatively harmless unless provoked. Or stunned. Or hit with rocks. Seriously, is our ego that conflated to believe that helpless animals fighting on our behalf does anything besides wreck the integrity of the sanctity of life?

He said while sitting on a sheepskin rug.

DRUG LEGALIZATION

X Factor drugs to be used on Pokemon.

Given how Ash treats his Pokemon (that is, with reckless abandon regardless of their personal abilities; like sending an electric Pokemon to fry a rock), I doubt he seriously has any issue imbibing the drugs he stuffs into his mutant little Mickey Mouse rat.

In case you were wondering, Pikachu inhaled.

SCHOOL SYSTEM

Apparently, this is the failure of homeschooling. Utterly delusional. If there were a nationalized school system, there would be far less fat neck beard Pokemon trainers running around. The movement must be stopped.

And while we're at it

GAY RIGHTS

Rainbow badge. Think of the children.

CONCLUSION

Pokemon teaches our children that animals have the right to be beaten, captured and tortured into fighting. This assures us that the end result is that they can be healed and leveled up for us to further exploit. Like surfing on them. It teaches our children that healthcare is an inalienable right (scoff), violence is justifiable and evolution is an animated scientific fact.

Like gravity. Or the screams of lobsters in hot pots.

Pokemon is nothing more than a leftist liberal looney bin libertarian screed against all that is statist and strict. And for that, it must be burned at the stake.

--Nick

*paid for by Team Rocket*

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