Friday, April 12, 2013

How to Write a Successful (Christian) Blog and get Away with Writing Really Long Titles

1. Never nuance your comments. Be a general tosser. It doesn't matter your religious perogative. The more combative, the better. And use curse words because you're a badass. Imitate the Onion at all cost.

2. Always cite someone authoritative from a different language. Like Aristotle. Or Ghandi. Oh. It helps if they are already dead so you can put all sorts of confirmed words in their cake sockets.

3. Never admit defeat. That's like pulling a fresh cake (which is a lie, see what I did there) out of the oven, decorating the snot out of it setting it up for the wedding couple and jumping all over it like it owed you money.

4. Pop culture references. See number 3.

5. If you are a progressive christian blogger, always assert your moral superiority by either ignoring constructive comments or retort by citing (similar to point 2) someone who has a few initials after their name. Initials mean things. Use words like doubt, sex, ignorant, intolerant, cake and MSNBC at least once per post. The more morally superior you sound, the more morally superior you are.

6. If you are a fundamentalist christian blogger, make sure you humiliate your opponents by claiming they are "in sin" like its a corporate body (in sin, get it?). This keeps tensions high and assures your theological boundary markers, in case other saps try to exercise authority over you. Slogans such as "heretic" and "liberal" are adequate put downs. Remember, words hurt liberals a lot more than being right.

7. Last but certainly not least, copy and paste everything you find. Like I do. Except here.

Thanks for your time, I hope to hear from you soon. :)

--Nick

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