New Seminarian: Lines I May or May not Have Written in Scholarship Apps

I have filled out over a half dozen scholarship requests for financial aid. In each case, I wrote down a few terrible lines that I knew would get me in trouble. So I didn't put them in the app. Except for that one app. You know who you are.

The most frequently asked question is: what will you do with your scholarship funds? Included are my alleged responses to said application question:

Them: "Nick, you handsome man, what will you do with your scholarship funds?
Me: "The same thing I do with all my scholarship monies...try and take over the world."

Them: "Nick, what will you do with your scholarship funds?"
Me: "With the $500 dollars, maybe pay off a unit of tuition. If I'm lucky to get that."

Them: "Nick, what will you do with your scholarship funds?"
Me: "Jump up and down and blow it on a second-rate bottle of champagne. Gangsta 4 Lyfe."

Them: "Nick, what will you do with your scholarship funds?"
Me: "Put them in a pile and roll around in it like I'm Scrooge McDuck."

Them: "Nick, what will you do with your scholarship funds?"
Me: "The same thing I will do if offered a Klondike bar. Just ask your mother."

Them: "Nick, what will you do with your scholarship funds?"
Me: "Do the truffle shuffle."

Them: "Nick, what will you do with your scholarship funds?"
Me: "...I'm getting scholarship funds?!?!?!"

I don't understand why they haven't gotten back to me yet.

*snicker*

--Nick

The Daily Lewis Black, "Whoever's in charge. . . ."

"I do have certain feelings [about politics]. My feeling is that whoever is in charge, I want him out." --Lewis Black

--Nick

7 Reasons to vote for Mickey Mouse in 2012

1) If South Park is any indication, he won't suffer fools or boy bands. Thus, he will not allow any harm to befall those he cares about. Provided we all have shares in Disney.

2) He's in favor of big business. Let's face it gents, business versus military. Though Mickey is not opposed to physical violence to prevent other violence, it seems he'd prefer sitting back on his ass and making money. The ultimate capitalist. He's also quite excessive, having an entire multi-billion dollar industry based on him.

3) He's in favor of same-sex marriage. This will appeal to Blue State voters. He would also charge them a lot to get married.

4) His perspective on religion is mixed. At best he is an agnostic who dislikes the interference of personal faith in the business sector. He is all about the benjamins.

5) He is most certainly objectively NOT a racist. At best, he was young when he had a few youthful indiscretions. Now, he's overcompensating. Which is good. More jobs for everyone.

6) He supports Kony 2012.

7) He would NEVER cheat on Minnie. Not for all the tea in China. He's already purchased it and has outsourced it to Mexico, all the while enforcing a strict border policy.

--Nick

The Lewis Black Today

This is dedicated to Chance. One love.

"We have a two party system: the Democratic party, which is a party of no ideas, and the Republican party, which is a party of bad ideas. And the way it works is, the Republican stands up in Congress and goes, "I got a really bad idea." And the Democrat says, "And I can make it shittier."" --Lewis Black.

--Nick 

Daily Dose of Humor, "Boondocks!"

Newt Schrute

Hoooooooooo boy.

This is for giving me over 4,000 views in less than 2 weeks. Very cool. Thanks. ;)

--Nick

The Daily Lewis Black

“Republicans have nothing but bad ideas and Democrats have no ideas.”
--Lewis Black

ps -- I prefer a little more bang, but this will do.

--Nick

The Daily Lewis Black

“That's the funny thing about religion: it doesn't matter what you say, you're going to upset someone. ” 
--Lewis Black

Daily Dose of Humor

Thanks to Kris Heenk and Cracked.com.

--Nick

The Lewis Black Today

“Jerry Falwell said that the reason that September 11th happened, the reason that God allowed it to happen, was because of certain people in our country. People like, and I'm quoting, 'the pagans,' which is a motorcycle group. Feminists; he brought up feminists. [...] And I couldn't believe it, he said that God had actually talked to him and said, these were the people. That was the reason. It was those people, and that was the reason God allowed this to happen. And I thought, 'That's odd.' Because God had called me twelve hours before, and He said the reason He was upset was because of people like Jerry Falwell.”


--Lewis Black

Making God Look Good tentative poster

The series will be from the first person perspective of a burned out PR representative who takes a job offered by St. Paul to become God's PR guy for the new generations. Covering topical issues such as the atonement, capital punishment and the sexual revolution, "Making God Look Good" is both insightful, robust and comedic.

"The Onion" meets "Thank You For Smoking."

Enjoy.

--Nick

The Lewis Black Today

“In my lifetime, we've gone from Eisenhower to George W. Bush. We've gone from John F. Kennedy to Al Gore. If this is evolution, I believe that in twelve years, we'll be voting for plants.” 
--Lewis Black


I personally think we're already adapted a predilection towards chlorophyl. Nom.


--Nick