New Seminarian: Lines I May or May not Have Written in Scholarship Apps

I have filled out over a half dozen scholarship requests for financial aid. In each case, I wrote down a few terrible lines that I knew would get me in trouble. So I didn't put them in the app. Except for that one app. You know who you are.

The most frequently asked question is: what will you do with your scholarship funds? Included are my alleged responses to said application question:

Them: "Nick, you handsome man, what will you do with your scholarship funds?
Me: "The same thing I do with all my scholarship monies...try and take over the world."

Them: "Nick, what will you do with your scholarship funds?"
Me: "With the $500 dollars, maybe pay off a unit of tuition. If I'm lucky to get that."

Them: "Nick, what will you do with your scholarship funds?"
Me: "Jump up and down and blow it on a second-rate bottle of champagne. Gangsta 4 Lyfe."

Them: "Nick, what will you do with your scholarship funds?"
Me: "Put them in a pile and roll around in it like I'm Scrooge McDuck."

Them: "Nick, what will you do with your scholarship funds?"
Me: "The same thing I will do if offered a Klondike bar. Just ask your mother."

Them: "Nick, what will you do with your scholarship funds?"
Me: "Do the truffle shuffle."

Them: "Nick, what will you do with your scholarship funds?"
Me: "...I'm getting scholarship funds?!?!?!"

I don't understand why they haven't gotten back to me yet.

*snicker*

--Nick

5 Things to Know about the 5 Things You Should be Doing

If you've been around the block that is the Internet, then you know that numbers are a big deal. Without them, we wouldn't know how much time you've used in reading this. Given that time is relative when on the Internet, I've decided to expose the 5 things about the 5 things that you know about.

1. You should be doing more. Do this by sharing everything on Facebook. This will include several things: post-Kony material, Justin Bieber' s coke bust, apologists snarking at atheists, and if you are duper wise, something about being better. Like drinking coffee without the black ink.

2. You should care more. If you didn't care, we wouldn't know this without your telling us. Nevermind the updates or comments, we really don't know. So you should know.

3. You Should Do less. If you don't work as hard, other people will stop working. If you don't work, then the world falls apart. Without the world, we are less likely to breathe. So, you should do less as a means of population control. Its humane, you doing less.

4. You Shouldn't care. Because if you truly did care, you wouldn't waste time on the Internet talking about what you care about. Instead, you would grab coffee/scotch/ with the person that you care about. So, by not caring, we are illustrating relational love.

5. You should add numbers. MOAR numbers make things run. But make sure they are positive; the government is saying a lot of things about negative numbers and I'm starting to see pigs flying.

Yes. This was intended as satire.

…

--Nick

A Blogging Update and Funny Comic (Because You Care So Much)

Howdy everyone. My apologies for not blogging (because your life revolves around this publication) as of late. As I mentioned a few posts back, I'm in the process of getting married and as such things go, the energy requirments are high.

So here is a funny picture to make up for it. Garfield Minus Garfield.

Your regularly scheduled program will likely pick up within the next week or three. I may have some posts about Systematic Theology, women in ministry or just some beer reviews.

:)

--Nick

Zombies Hate Stuff

This is wonderful.

--Nick

The Greatest Religious Joke of All Time (Emo Philips)

Emo Philips:

Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump.

I said, "Don't do it!"
He said, "Nobody loves me."
I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"
He said, "Yes."
I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?"
He said, "A Christian."
I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?"
He said, "Protestant."
I said, "Me, too! What franchise?"
He said, "Baptist."
I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?"
He said, "Northern Baptist."
I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist."
I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region."
I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912."

I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over. 

--Nick

Hipster Waldo

*titter titter*

--Nick

A Cat Walks a Dog

This was priceless.

--Nick

Fish Sticks?

Made me laugh like a 5 year old.

--Nick

themetapicture gangsta

Yes.

--Nick

Awesome New Pope Cartoon

This made my night.

--Nick

Gay Sex, Preachers and . . . TV Sockets?

There is no way this shouldn't be an article on the Onion. I'm pretty traditional when it comes to this topic, but this just. . . .

His premise is there are many ways to deviate from "God's standard," sexually speaking. Premarital sex, adultery, unbiblical divorce, man on man, woman on woman, man on woman on man -- they're all wrong in the Lord's eyes.

He goes on to explain why: "Think about this one time in heaven God was sitting up there with his sketch pad and he said, 'You know, I'm going to design human beings and would it be fun of they started doing this together with one another.'" Jeffress illustrates this by excitedly jabbing his fingers at one another in a way that makes you feel truly sorry for the missus. "God dreamed up sex, He thought it up for our enjoyment, He gave us the equipment to enjoy it with."

He goes on to offer us the parable of the TV delivery man who very specifically tells the purchaser to only plug it into a 120-volt outlet. But the buyer, "because those are antiquated instructions" and "it's my TV and I can do whatever I want to with it," ignores the advice and rams it into the 220-volt outlet.

"Well it is my TV to do what I want to with it but I'm going to blow that TV into smithereens if I put it in a 220 outlet," Jeffress said.

For the rest, if you want a chuckle, click here.

I will hold on for the revelation that he is taken COMPLETELY out of context, but. . .

Bah.

--Nick

Kill the (PAC)Batman

I'm still giggling.

--Nick

Hipster Jesus

"Mainstream" indeed.

--Nick

Hipster Dinosaur

YES.

--Nick

Funny Chicken Picture

Made me laugh.

--Nick

Beer, Helping White Guys Dance Since 1842

--Nick

Mushroom Head Pic

Made me laugh.

--Nick

Film Award 2012: The Diving into Sheol Award

Aaaaaaaaaand we're back. This time, we cover a different type of film altogether. This film most certainly is within my top 5 of this year. The "Diving into Sheol" award is granted to films that have achieved the following results:

Hours upon hours of reflection. A mildly heated debate with a friend over the topic of free will. A nightmare. An agreeable consensus that it bucked some trends. A film that had both an atheist friend and myself in complete agreement on the film's lasting emotional power.

In conjunction with the first point, it resulted in a change in heart on certain issues, resulting in a bit of a paradigm shift.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I am referring to none other than the film below.

Kids, I give the "Diving into Sheol" award to:

The Grey.

Easily the most emotionally staggering and intense film of the year. The performances and personifications are stellar, especially if one can see elements of themselves in each rugged individual.

A haunting, stripped down epic about survival, free will and the instinct of transcendence.

--Nick

Film Award 2012: The Cheap Wine Hangover Award

 So glad you came back for thirds. The following film deserves the award, and it fits the criteria thusly:

The film was awesome at the time and falls apart the more I think about it. It tastes great, but gives a painful reward for enjoying it.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you:

Prometheus.

True, there were times in the theater where I felt my eyes knocking around the inside of my skull in annoyance, but the film by far was a cinematic treat. Until I stopped and thought about it.

The stupid cliche characters meandering around after getting separated, and then getting turned into worm poop? The odd love scene? The lame pseudo-theological crap spewed by the protagonist that sounds like something Ken Ham would say? The fact that the ship at the end didn't have any external weaponry? The hallmark "Fireproof-esque" 'heaven' dream?

The almost goofy zombie mid-section where the mad lover leaps around the ship like he's caught an intergalactic case of hungry crabs?

But, in fairness, the film is a lot deeper than I remember and the cinematography is jaw-slappingly beautiful. So, yes, I will be watching the sequel.

--Nick

The Day He Shot Santa

Wonderful.

--Nick